Part I: The Rise of Meathead

Mrs. Bastard manages at a chain restaurant—money and insurance, hell yeah. A fringe benefit is that when I stumble in and demand free food I get it without having to pull out a gun. Any unfortunate being with me—typically a coworker I’ve blackmailed, gets a descent discount on their meal.

One such occasion found me, a co-worker and two of his buddies in a booth enjoying the lazy kind of lunch in which you’re in no hurry to get back to the office. The two buddies had just opened up their own carpentry business—literally, they had got the keys to their shop that day.

I was feeling generous (and probably a little drunk) so I decided to pick up the check to celebrate the new business. It came to a little over $14. I shoved a twenty dollar bill at our server when he brought the check—enter Meathead.

He was a manly man with a barbed wire band tattoo on his bicep which was hard to miss with his sleeve rolled up. He had a weight lifter’s arms-out posture and a bleached teeth smile. His hair was a moussed up spike job on hair too long to be spiked, so the tips wilted and bounced as he moved. It was too dark to tell if his tan was a fake-bake job or the result of sitting in an UV illuminated coffin.

My coworker threw in the tip and I added the change from the bill to it to make it bigger; just for fun. We left our $15 on the table and were on our way.

I’m at work for about an hour when my wife calls. “Hi Honey! Did you leave a tip earlier?”

“Um, yeah, a pretty big one. Fifteen bucks.”

“Ok,” she laughed a little knowing laugh.“All I needed to know,” and she got off the phone (after some phone sex).

Meathead forgot he already took the money for our check—and our large tip confused him to no end. He thought we left him change for a tip. My wife calmly explained the mistake. Meathead refused to believe he had somehow misinterpreted reality—why did this keep happening to him?

Even at the end of the day when people who had served me before assured him there was no way I would have stiffed him, he still believed.

Even after he counted up his tip money and being pleasantly surprised when the amount was larger than expected, as he hadn’t had too many tables this day, he believed. In the face of all the contradictory facts he held firm (see what Christianity is doing to dumb people!).

Why?

Why does the bird take to the air! Why does the cat chase bits of yarn! Why are boobs so fucking cool!

Such is meathead!