Monday, May 1, 2017

Childish Bastards

I live across the street from an elementary school. I don't have central air so that means the windows are often open and there is no question if it is a school day. There are kids playing, always.

Sitting in our bedroom, Mrs. Bastard and I looked up at the same time as the shrill screaming went on long enough to capture our already-tuning-you-out attention.

"There's always that kid who thinks screaming is fun," I said.

"Ugh, I think I was that kid." She admitted.

"Good think we didn't meet in elementary school."

She agreed. It wouldn't have worked.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Serious Bastards

An actual exchange I had at work while manning the facebook chat with a random nerd. This is the first time he contacted us:

Random person: Do you guys buy Magic the Gathering cards?

Me: We do. Bring your cards in and we fill out a form. We have a guy who prices them (who is not me), he usually get back to you within a day or two with an offer for store credit or cash.

Random Person: What do you think my collection is worth?

Me: You would have to bring them in to get that answered by our guy who knows Magic cards.

Random Person: Could I just tell you what I have?

Me: You could, but again, I am not familiar with Magic cards. You're going to have to bring them in. Have a good day.


Here's the thing about some of the people who play Magic--they do not care in the least that I don't play. They are still going to tell me about their cards and why they are awesome in the combination they have arranged.

If someone asks, "Do you play Magic?" that means I am about to hear about deck arrangements no matter what I say.

"God, no! Can't stand the game. The people who play it are even worse."

"Yeah? Well, my red-blue deck is defense heavy but if I can get this one artifact out and in play..."

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Bastard of a Mood

I know I am a certain kind of a mood when I am annoyed I can't take my dog to work with me. It's not the kind of mood where I tell myself, "Go ahead! Speak your mind! Good things will come from your honesty."

Maybe the guy who get's a call from his wife won't come in today. Every time he comes in he drools over the cards behind the glass, his wife calls and the its:

"I'm at the bowling alley!" (there's only one in town and it is notorious for it's shoddy cellular service. If you ask if what the WiFi password is, the answer is "Ha!"

"I told you I have to stop at the bank first!" (the store is right next to the bank).

"I've hit every red light. I'm like three minutes away." I suspect he lives fairly close.

He always pays cash. When I offer a receipt he laughs and says to burn the evidence. He tries to joke about his wife being a ball buster. Today is not the day to point out he has something to do with that.

A lot of dysfunction walks through the door--we're open to the public after all but on days when I'm already low on energy it takes a lot more out of me to bare witness to it all let alone help them with their purchases.

Here is your $12 Magic card. A game meant to be fun and not to foster resentment between people. And it's no problem, I'll burn the receipt.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Foolish Bastards

Last year my April Fool's joke was not bad. I posted on facebook, "Guess who's going to be a grandpa?"

I thought it was hilarious. But then again everyone in my family called my high school daughter for any and all confirmations.

I think I'll give it at least another year to see what she thinks. Hindsight is 20/20 and part of the clarity is seeing the hilarity you missed that first go round because you had to tell both of your grandmas (and a couple of aunts, uncles and nosy cousins) three times you weren't knocked up as well as swear many oaths attesting to the fact.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Such is the Bastard Himself!

Hey look at all these posts!

And all in one month no less.

I'd be lying if I said I knew what I was doing with this blog. My current goal is not to overthink it. Just write stuff and post it.