Super Tuesday (for My Penis)

My current political party is apathy. I’m not saying I don’t pay attention, but I am saying the only reason I do know my factoids is because it would take more effort to remain oblivious. I listen to the sound bites on the radio, read an occasional paragraph below the headline and I try to stay up late enough for The Daily Show. So, I know all the candidates names, if for nothing else it allows me to maintain brief water cooler conversation. And may the gods help you if you can’t maintain water cooler conversation. You’re fucked.

Politics seem to come up again and again. Someone wants to talk about it. Feigning ignorance is just as bad. The “You Really Should Care About Politics” speech, and any other speach they get to deliver from ahigh on their horse, is just as annoying.

Here’s how to handle the unwanted politichat like a Bastard.

“Obama’s looking good.”

“He better look out for Hilary!”

That’s about what I try and keep the exchange to. Brief and unspecific, maybe followed by a sip of water so you can turn away and B-line it for your desk. Also, you could insert the republican names if you wanted too, they get mentioned just as often are talked about just as briefly. Sometimes, though, it’s a bit more sticky.

“Well, McCain is looking good. They say he’s the only one who can beat Hilary.”

“Well, he was a POW his perspective on war could help us out.”

See that? You just take the lead and respond with something that is easy for them to take as agreement. If they have a backwards way of making their point, they might go the other way on you.

“I hope Hilary goes all the way—I love her enforced health care plan, it really makes the medical lobbyist funding her campaign excited.”

Now you have to be careful. This may be the kind of person who fakes with a soft, casual response to gull you into an equally squishy response—but only because they want to come at your from the other side and beat you down with a few choice facts.

You can either disengage by quickly surrendering verbally.

“Yeah, that’s a good point. I’m totally voting for Hilary.”

You could fake an ailment:

“Ugh, I gotta go take care of this painful and contagious diarrhea.”

I don’t actually know if there’s a kind of diarrhea that is contagious. But you plant the seed of infection and you can buy yourself some buffering time from your coworker who likes NPR.

Lastly, you communicate your unwillingness to talk about what for the most part seems to be emotionally fueled issues lightly tempered with cherry picked facts that sometimes relate directly to issues—by establishing eye contact and farting.

Which explains my steady work diet of chili covered broccoli and roasted garlic. I’m not sure if garlic is one of those “gassy” foods, but it really helps with that hint of tire-on-fire.

Politics, as I understand them, is about selecting officials to govern us, the people, in a just and reasonable manner. Which is no where close to what politics are actually about.

Most people don’t actually think past their political figure head. Either they treat their choice like religion—whatever ma and pa roll with, or you go the other way and pick that other party so you can show them how independent you are.

And after that, it’s like watching a two team sport—but with much higher budgets.

I think having two parties actually works against us. I feel like you should sit down, see what you think is important and then see who best represents those beliefs. Make them fight to be your candidate! Competition is generally regarded as being good for any market.

Right now, it’s the opposite. All day long we’re told what the hot button issues are, and it’s more or less a given you’ll be voting for your potential party candidate. I am so sick of pro life/choice, I’m this close to aborting myself.

At the end of the day, it seems like both parties are both puppets on either hand of big business and money. Maybe the candidates want to make changes, but the ever present pressure of outside funding is always looming large. Sadly, that's but one of the many problems surrounding politics.