Lucky Bastards

This is the true story of a lucky bastard.

I can’t imagine the kind of fight that has to ensue that you would wake up at the ungodly hour of 5 a.m. to drive three hours to purchase a $150 pair of jeans. I’ve been trying to find a mental touch stone from my own life to picture how the conversation begins, escalates and then ends knowing your life would be better if she had those jeans.

And, the pair of jeans is so specific—it’s not just a name brand or the desire to own a status symbol to help you feel better than people; it has to be THAT pair of jeans from THAT store in Atlantic City. To the credit of the evil being and what seems could be the very definition of a Money Eating Bitch Girlfriend, he had been told to fetch the jeans before—AND FORGOTEN.

Now, I’ve had some hellatious fights in my time, but none of them started because I was holding out on the truer signs of love—a willingness to submit to unreasonable demands (aka the conditions of love). Too much porn? Sure, that’ll start a fight. Didn’t notice your girl shaved her head? Yeah, you’re in trouble. Forgot to blow $150 on a single pair a jeans? Brother, there’s a special level of hell reserved for people like you.

Before the sun was up, it was probably on the sneak—to his remaining friends I mean, that Sammy Zabib drove with a photocopy of the jeans so he wouldn’t purchase the wrong pair—which at this point would be reasonable ground for Money Eating Bitch Girlfriend to murder him.

His eagerness to please worked against him though. He arrived before the shop was even open. With nothing else to do but wait, Sammy started hitting the slots to pass the time. Until the machine he was playing on stopped working. When he fetched security to help him with his problem, they were quick to figure out the problem.

The machine wouldn’t work because Sammy Zabib had hit the jackpot. Maybe not in the girlfriend department—but certainly in the free money department. Nearly $800,000 had been won by our whipped friend (nevermind he thought it was a broken slot machine).

Is this a testament to the power of bitch girlfriends snapping their gum, bouncing their heads side to side while shoving the talk-to-the-hand hand in one’s face, or does it exemplify man’s willingness to do what ever it takes to get her to shut up?

Who knows. Either way, I’m betting Mr. Zahib’s girlfriend is undoubtedly a bitch; and him having a sudden $800,000 isn’t going to improve her demands of him. She definitely deserves some gold dipped chocolates, $1000 skirts and a spa treatment with imported mud. Hopefully though, he’s not so whipped he’ll be able demand at least a threesome.