A bad, bad, bad experience with some evil McNuggets and puking from wake to sleep soured me on McDonalds years ago. Mrs. Bastard and I were only dating then, but she split the meal with me, so we bonded as we tried not to puke on each other. It helped me prove I was a gentleman. I let her heave her guts into the toilet while I used the sink.
Today, if someone suggests McDonalds as a lunch destination, I send an elbow right above their eye, grab them by the collar and through clenched teeth growl, “You go get me a WHOPPER!”
I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll be avoiding McDonalds for the rest of my life. If Jack in the Box could kill children with their undercooked hamburgers (ala that 1993 outbreak of e coli ) I’m pretty sure ol’ Ronald McDonald could rape some kids in from of their moms, set the family on fire and piss all over the ashes and the general populous would still be happily ordering Big Mac’s.
Adding to the many reasons to be annoyed is their expanding menu in the hopes of competing with other franchises. More coffee flavors? Your ship’s sinking Starbucks! Sub style sandwiches that aren’t deep fried and drenched in mayo? Methinks I hear Subway’s death toll sounding! And who are the people renting their fucking movies from a red vending machine in McDonalds?
They aren’t stopping there either. In Britain, McDonalds has decided to make their food more appealing to the tea and crumpet crowd.
“Oh good, Bastard!” You say. “They’re improving the quality of their product! Maybe now their burgers will grow fungus like normal burgers placed under glass!*”
Wrong again, asshole! McDonalds hired British fashion designer Bruce Oldfield, to redesign the staff uniforms at McDonalds. This is what he came up with:
I just love the McScarf! Nothing makes feel better about mass produced deep fried grease food than having it served by well dressed employee. It’s just fucking classy and that just proves how classy I am for super sizing my meal.
You have to wonder when the U.S. uniforms will be changing and how it will appeal to our American sensibilities. I’m envisioning a McHooters situation, but with more of a classy low cut shirt to show off the girls and maybe some of the tuxedo print t-shirts for the boys. Oh, and minimum wage and shitty insurance for all!
*Watch the extras on Super Size Me—they don’t.
