Hitlerarios!

Once upon a time, there were no teenagers. And I don’t mean that in some weird literal interpretation of the bible sort of way. Before school was federally instituted and all those uncool child labor laws firmed up, there was no phase that allowed one to be no longer a child but not quite an adult.

Now that we have this transitional phase in the lifespan, it’s expanding. We call it “adolescence” and current studies are suggesting it’s not uncommon for it’s characteristics (I almost said qualities!) to persist into the early twenties.

My point isn’t about some of you needing to grow the fuck up—it’s about the undeniable social influence on pretty much all of our basic conditions and institutions. Homosexuality used to be listed among the diagnosable disorders in the DSMV. Not really because psychologist are evil (you can’t have a therapist without the-rapist!) but because there was a social demand for a reason for gay people to be documentably different.

Bare that in mind for what I’m about to propose, which is essentially creating our own mental disorder; the logic is a tad circular—but fun, so keep reading!

I have a friend who enjoys arguing. Not because he has firm beliefs in anything, but because he really likes to argue. In fact, I would dare say his arguing for argument’s sake is a dominant guiding force in his life. I suspect he served his 6+ years in the military (freaking stop loss! ) just so he could add the phrase, “Oh yeah? Well I was in the military, buddy!” to his arguments, as needed.

I’ve been this guy’s friend since about 8th grade, so I can share in the amusement, but I have noticed one of his tactics basically involves saying whatever he needs to frustrate and anger his opponent, be it man, woman, child, and wait then for them to say something stupid or illogical for him to rip into.

I’ve named this the “That sounds like something Hitler would have agreed with,” method of arguing, or the TSLSHWHAW Method. You can also use “…Hitler would say” if you’re not feeling chatty.

That’s what got my evil brain thinking—what if we ALL start making the comment, “That sounds like something Hitler would agree with” to people? I’m convinced we could start a whole new phobia!

Given the increasing level of paranoia and anxiety disorders, people are just waiting to be told what they’re scared of! Fuck terrorism, global warming and poverty fueled crime, that shit is trendy! How about the possibility you’re a Hitler!

Maybe the first time one get’s told their statement smacks of something Hitler would concur with, they can brush it off, but how about the second time? And a third? We all know people who can’t help but take passing comments to heart—and I’m just not talking about girlfriends and other estrogen rich species, so just imagine the impact seemingly random people casually comparing them to what many consider to be the anti-christ could be! It’s not just hilarious—it’s hitlerarious.

Soon enough, people with fists full of wadded up tissues will be shamefully whispering to their councilors, “I’m worried I’m a Hitler…” By 2012 I really think we could have a solid pressence and listed in the DSMV. I just want all future theses and drug treatments to remember—this is the BASTARD’S disorder, and should be named and cited accordingly.

So say it! “That sounds like something Hitler would agree with!” And often.

Wouldn't You Like to be My Neighbor--IN HELL

Tuesday, Mrs. Bastard asked me if I was ok. It happens from time to time, but usually because I’m being overly quiet and withdrawn, or I’m stomping around with a scowl under my beard. But I hadn’t done anything really to warrant the question.

“I read your blog, I worry when you don’t sleep.”

Bah! Sorry people. She’s been reading my blog. My “Mrs. Bastard: All Anal American Girl” article is going to have to wait for a few more weeks.

In the meantime though, did you know Mr. Rogers died on Wednesday? I guess if he wanted the news splashed everywhere, the bastard shouldn’t have died of cancer when there was all those drugs and hookers to be found.

You pick the cooler headline:

“Mr. Rogers Dies of Stomach Cancer” or “Mr. Rogers Found Dead Under Pile of Hookers and Blow.”

But, you know, whatever.

I did notice that my msn messenger is suspiciously free of news stories about him dying. I guess a man who lives his life helping others and then dying of a common disease at an old age isn’t what we want to focus on. Or yes, maybe many of us just assumed he was already dead.

However, no one in my office is running up and down the halls spreading the morbid word. Now that he’s gone, though, I suspect in the coming months all his dark secrets will be brought to light. Finally people can sell his secrets! Let the contest begin! Let’s predict the future. I’m calling a few bastard children and maybe a sex tape involving Britney Spears.

I for one won’t be happy until his entire career is called into question for something petty and laughable. Like, I bet he liked having sex! Or maybe he smoked! Or drank alcohol on occasion! C’mon people, help me out. I can’t enforce a hypocritical higher standard all by my lonesome.

Meat is Murder: By Meat I Mean Beef and By Murder I Mean Eat It, You Might Die. And Yes, I am Trying to Win the Blogspot Award for Longest Title Ever

Honestly I don’t see what all the fuss is about. So some footage of a diseased cows being physically dragged into the processing plant because they lack the physical ability to do so on their own have surfaced. And sure, the diseases are born due to persistant, horrible conditions. And maybe bovine immunity as a whole has been weakened by constant hormonal injections. And ok, yes, a majority of the meat was is sold to school disticts.

But really, what’s the big deal? Is this anything new? Egg farms burn the beaks off of chickens when they’re chicks. Before you get all uppity—it’s that or have them peck their faces off their neighbors after they go crazy from living in a space the size of a shoe box. The wounds would fester and eventually kill the chicken. What, you want diseased eggs to go with your diseased steak?

But what do you expect me to do, pay more than a buck for a dozen eggs? Fuck off, communist. If I’m to consume at a riduculous rate, I'm going need everything to be as cheap as possible.

I could go on and on, but I’m not really trying to shake my finger at anyone. A wise man once told me to get anyone to change you have to get them to ask themselves new questions.

When I pay attention to the news and current day society I see that a great concern seems to be that things are as cheap as possible. Really, I think we all just want the things we want. We seem to have a common sense of entitlement —myself included. But who couldn’t go on and on justifying their list of free downloads, home cache of office supplies or free roses from the neighbors front bush. Demanding everything to be cheap may be one of the underlying reasons why things are. One of many reasons though.

I guess it’s like Calvin said to Hobbs; “Saying I have to work for it is like saying I don’t deserve it.”