PolygaPISSED!

My corner of the country is close to the heart of what we fondly call “Plyg Country.” The Fundamentalist Ladder Day Saints, or less specifically polygamists, are mere miles from my own fine city. What this means for me and the community is we get to deal with them regularly. They shop here. They work here. They look for new wives here.

You’re thinking, “O’ Bastard— you are funny!”

Shut up, baby—I know.

Seriously though, they are always looking for women. Not so with the men. They have plenty of men you see—so much so that it’s not uncommon to drop off boys where ever with nothing but the clothes on their back.

So, young teen girls who have no sexual knowledge are the hot commodity. Apparently, having as many wives as you can isn’t being greedy—it’s the Plan—as in The Lord’s. So what if you’re 16 and he’s 50? Once you’re married, you are his and you are the lowest rung on a totem pole.

Given the catty nature women can get around each other, I can only imagine the kind of hell it would be to be the new pretty wife, when the head witch, er wife, is getting less desirable with each passing day—with no make up or push up bras to help things along.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for personal choice and I loathe censorship or any sort of institution promoting the idea that there is but a single way to live your life, but this isn’t adult women choosing their husbands. This is 16 year old girls and younger who have grown up on an isolated compound that promotes sexual ignorance—marrying men someone else picked out for them.

Thus the fevered call from the Texas compound that sparked the removal 400 childeren from the compound. “But Bastard, you’re in Utah and that’s in Texas,” you may want to point out. It’s the same sect—when the State gets involved and begins investigating cases, they move the people (usually women crying out for help) to the next state and avoid the heat.

Here’s are some local factoids about polygamists you all might not know.

1. Screw You and you Taxes. If you are brave enough to drive through their town (make sure you have a full tank and you bring your own snacks—they will NOT provide any service to you) you’ll notice a bare wall on all of their houses. They do this because you don’t have to pay taxes on unfinished houses.

2. Slave labor. The boys they decide to keep around are often found jobs in construction. Their paychecks all go in their father’s pocket. As construction goes down, the number of abandoned boys goes up—what would a young man do with a young woman anyways? More for grandpa, sonny! Good luck out there! Try not to get stabbed!

3. Dead babies. Given the statistical probability of having a child with a birth defect, coupled with the inevitability of a level of inbreeding due to a limited gene pool, there should be some “special” kids running around. There are none. None surviving I mean.

(Also along the lines of the gene pool thing—you can spot a polygamist by their facial features alone. They have a look about them.)

4. Unfriendly. If you see a polygamist in town, say at the grocery store, you can smile, wave, say hi all you want—they will not respond. We are NOT part of their cult you see. Clearly, I’m the enemy. What bugs me the most though is you’ll see them everywhere shopping.

Once, my kid said hi to one of their kids. He made the mistake of giving a little wave, earning him a quick smack to the back of his head--which in turn made my child feel responsible and guilty. The poor kid was instantly sad and resumed his staring contest with the ground. I resent having to spend half an hour explaining away what just happened.

5. No Threesomes/Lesbian Action. Seriously, why have multiple women in one relationship if they can’t get down too? Two tongues are better than one! It just seems like a missed opportunity. Maybe on his birthday he lines all his wives up in a row and he moves down the line, penetrating them, once for each year--and she better like it, because this is also all she'll be getting for her birthday!

I have to assume there’s some level donut bumping going on behind the scenes when Mr. Viagra is too tired from making his sons work all day and trading daughters with his neighbors.